My Testimony
It was never meant to become an addiction. I had it all under control for so many years. I’d smoke a couple of cigarettes at the end of the day to “unwind”. Back then, I didn’t HAVE to have a cigarette - I could easily skip a day or two. I was embarrassed by this dirty, unhealthy habit so I was a “closet smoker”. Only a few people closest to me knew. I worked hard to conceal it so it was wrapped up in several complicated layers of guilt, shame, fear and stress. I quit - many times - most notably, during both of my pregnancies in my early thirties. But by then, quitting was getting difficult. With each pregnancy, I’d think, “If I can quit for nine months, surely I can quit forever.” But the craving was ALWAYS there, stressful situations ALWAYS arose and I ALWAYS went back. Each time, the habit’s grip strengthened. By early 2007 I was smoking a pack a day.
Addiction is so much more powerful than I ever imagined. Near the end, almost every waking moment was consumed by scheming thoughts of how I could sneak away for a fix. It was in May 2007 when I realized I was bound so tightly by the grip of the addiction that it was eventually going to kill me. I remember like it was yesterday falling to my knees and then my face right next to my bed. I prayed like I had never prayed before. It was a humble prayer full of desperation, honesty, trust, faith and tears. I asked God to give me strength because I was headed to the store for Box 1 of the patch system. I promised Him I would follow the plan this time, all the way to Box 3 - six weeks - if He could just help it work.
One patch feeds nicotine to a body for 24 hours so I put a new patch on each night. Cravings always told me when it was time! On the second or third morning, I realized I had forgotten to replace my patch and rushed for a new one. The next morning - same thing happened. In less than one week, I no longer needed patches because our gracious, loving Father had miraculously healed me. I did not quit smoking --- I know quitting and it doesn’t feel like this. It’s been nearly three years. There’s no desire, no temptation, no recollection --- nothing.
Through it all I was a Christian believer. I knew God was there, that He loved me and that I was supposed to have a relationship with Him but I never knew, or chose to figure out, how to do it. He got my full attention back in 2007 and I live my life for Him now. That age-old song has such deep, heart-clenching meaning to me now, “Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I am found, was blind but now I see.” When I see a cigarette, my heart and soul sings a song of thanksgiving and praise to our amazingly graceful God and I say a prayer for its owner that he or she will find His strength.
God bless you, too.
Shaunda Snell